Late Night Jokes Of The Week
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
- A new Election Commission report just came out saying that the Trump campaign isn’t doing so well financially, and is practically broke. It’s not good — in fact today, Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel.
- The report revealed that Donald Trump’s campaign started this month with only $1.3 million, which is almost $8 million less than Bernie Sanders’ campaign. Even Bernie was like, “How does it feel to be poor, you LOSER!”
- President Obama will be attending the Global Entrepreneurship Summit in California. The only place to see more people describing themselves as “entrepreneurs” is on “The Bachelorette.”
- It’s being reported that LeBron James’ 11-year-old son already has basketball scholarship offers from Duke and Kentucky. After hearing this, LeBron was like, “So I can stop saving for his college? Phew.”
- Seventy-two new emojis came out today, and I saw that one of the new emojis is a pregnant woman. Apparently it’s the emoji you get nine months after texting, “You up?”
- Today members of the conservative Christian clergy met with Donald Trump. They came out of the meeting proclaiming “THERE IS NO GOD!”
- Many people are going to the movie theaters to get out of the heat. In fact, here in L.A. nine people actually went to see the movie “Warcraft.”
- Hillary Clinton’s shortlist for running mate includes Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Tim Kaine, and HUD Secretary Julian Castro. Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s shortlist includes “anyone from the cast of ‘Entourage.'”
- Some private companies are now taking over the reporting of local news. I read all about it in this week’s issue of US News & Zesty Cool Ranch Doritos.
- Scientists now think the Tyrannosaurus rex immigrated to North America from Asia. So now scientists think the T. rex was wiped out by its parents’ crushing academic demands.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
- There’s a lot of controversy around the summer Olympic Games and now Russia’s track and field team are barred from the competition after allegations of use of performance-enhancing drugs. Apparently the Russian athletes were so upset they barely had enough of an appetite to finish their morning bowl of steroids.
- I believe getting banned from running is a reward, not a punishment. I’m serious. You only run if you are chased where I grew up.
- The Russians tried to cover up their doping. There are reports that for many years Russian athletes have evaded authorities to escape being tested. And of course they’re impossible to catch because they’re Olympians.
- A man in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is suing the TSA claiming that overly long airport security lines caused him to miss a flight. Seems like a strange move until you realize there’s no jury in the world that will side with the TSA.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Columbus, Ohio, where she called Trump an uncaring businessman. Which I guess is supposed to be an insult, except those are the exact words he has printed on his business card.
- Clinton’s senior adviser said if we were to put Trump behind the wheel of the American economy, he would drive us off a cliff. That’s ridiculous. He’s going to drive us into a wall, a nice beautiful wall paid for by Mexico.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
- Hundreds of demonstrators showed up in Times Square today to protest Donald Trump’s meeting with evangelical leaders at a nearby hotel. That’s how much those protesters hate Donald Trump: They’re willing to go to Times Square.
- At a meeting with nearly 1,000 evangelical leaders today, Donald Trump told the attendees that Hillary Clinton is not worthy of their prayers. Although I’m pretty sure Hillary’s prayers were already answered when Trump won the GOP nomination.
- A recent report found that 52 percent of voters think Hillary Clinton is more intelligent than Donald Trump. While the rest disagreed with that statement …bigly.
Late Night With Stephen Colbert
- The election is still going to be Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. It is the very first time in American history that both political parties have the same slogan, “2016, look, it is what it is. What are you gonna do.”
- Last night, the Federal Election Commission announced how much cash each campaign has on hand. And Hillary Clinton is burying Donald Trump $42 million to $1.3 million. I always knew those huge skyscrapers were overcompensating for something in his pants. I just never imagined it was his wallet.
- $1.3 million isn’t even enough to afford a one-bedroom apartment in Trump’s own building. Not that he would want it. I hear the landlord is a jerk.
- How could Trump have less cash on hand than the “Veronica Mars” movie raised on Kickstarter? That right there is the kind of mystery only Veronica Mars could solve.